my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Finally! 😈
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
my fav colour is also hitler
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes