barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.