[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Autocorrect is my menesis
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
this chia pet tastes awful
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.