My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The Friday File.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions