Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Still my favourite meme.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen