I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting
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Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.