My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting

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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me


[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.



*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*


Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?


if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had


bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet


Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?


CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified


Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl


You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.