@loudmouth_usa

My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting

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@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@murrman5

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

@YimsterFife

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@MafiaJoker78

Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…

Are you in a stable relationship?

@BoogTweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?