My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!