my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Who.
Did.
This?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
2 years later
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…