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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does


The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.


[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.


OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!


Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.


You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.