@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

You Might Also Like

@Pliny_theElder

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@ReeseButCallMeV

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

@SoulYodeler

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@Mickey_McCauley

Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.