My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The honesty is refreshing
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭