If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol
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Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine
FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this