Order here:
More here:
You Might Also Like
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
A short story of betrayal:
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Every. Damn. Time.
yeah not falling for this one
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand