*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You Might Also Like
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Breaking news:
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.