Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
This is my brand.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
PLOT TWIST:
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
❤️❤️❤️
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope