I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.