@AndyAsAdjective

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

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@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

@3sunzzz

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

@Jamberee13

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

@ThatFellaKev

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.