My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
But is it really??
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me