My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*


All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake


“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*


Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?


Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?


I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?


Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.