@AndyAsAdjective

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

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@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

@vineyille

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.