No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite