ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My spirit animal is fried chicken
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub