I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
cop: are u high
me: hello, am i what
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this