My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.

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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.


I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.


Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.


Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !


My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.


MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze


[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this