My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.


me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine


4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!

Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly

4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop

Me: I regret reading to you


911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket


Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.


Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy




GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?


If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.


Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!