@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@RandomAntics

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

@RealMMyers78

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

@BuckyIsotope

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

@RandomlyMJ

Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.

@_NTFG_

My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.