Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.