@daddydoubts: My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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@UnFitz: I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
@ArfMeasures: BOUNCER: No, you're not getting in, just go home ME: *slips him some money* BOUNCER: What's this? ME *whispering so my friends don't hear* thank you
@briangaar: "Sir, I need you to explain your resume." Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters "Current job?" I pee on things I don't like