My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.