My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron