My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]