My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth


Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”


No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.


Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.


Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.