My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
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Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER