ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I wore a mask to run errands today
Accidentally robbed a bank
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.