My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not


Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank


My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”


Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.


a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected


My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.


Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?


Iโ€™m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.