@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

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@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

@Book_Krazy

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

@prawn_meat

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

@BritXNic

My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@cydbeer

Iโ€™m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.