My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
What a website
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
#StillHurts
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
He’s cranky this morning
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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