My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed


I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.


Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?


She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?

Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?


Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day


I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.


Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.



Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL