My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs