@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

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@abrianmc

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@UnFitz

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

@iGreenMonk

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?

Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?

@Shenanigans_luv

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL