My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.