*unexpected snow fall*
Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”
Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
doctor: and how about this?
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.