@maryfairybobrry

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

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@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@SarcasticAlly12

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@liv_reed17

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

@carlyken

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

@samreich

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

@jackmackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.