@passthewhine_44

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

- @passthewhine_44

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@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@JustinGuarini

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

@jellybnbonanza

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

@Discourt

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@carlyken

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.