@passthewhine_44: My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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@djdarrellripley: Her: A girl named "Bambi" called 6 times to see if you could go skinny dipping.. So, do you have a thing to say for yourself? Me: Can I go?
@texasstalkermom: Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore
@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.