My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Best spoiler warning ever