My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You Might Also Like
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
bias laundering edition
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married