my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
hey, alexa
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.