my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?


[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars


For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.


Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.


When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying


Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.


HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”


Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.


Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup