@mtvcell
“why does my back always hurt”
@adult_mom
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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@mtvcell
@Mhmm_ok_sure
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
@TheHyyyype
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
@RunOldMan
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
@ehdannyboy
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
@TedBundybitch
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying
@Tmoney68
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
@SkinnerSteven
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
@jessokfine
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
@thebabylady7
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup