my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

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Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.


Me: And neither wears pants


When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store


Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.


me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?


You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.