@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”

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@SarcasticAlly12

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@murrman5

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@ms__pauline

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

@better_off_dad

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@Bratterina

I dont mind splitting a bill on a date but if you ask me to work out the math part of it, then just get out my life buddy. I dont math for nobody.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

@SCbchbum

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”