My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”

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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.


Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.


[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps


*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*


Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄


13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S


Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely


I dont mind splitting a bill on a date but if you ask me to work out the math part of it, then just get out my life buddy. I dont math for nobody.


Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.


Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”