Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.
Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”
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Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!