@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

@ThisOneSayz

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

@marcmack

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

@Megatronic13

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!