My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what