My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”