I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years