My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My love language is deader than Latin
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me