My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*