@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

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@mommajessiec

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

@BigJDubz

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

@ClichedOut

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@pmclellan

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.