[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
* Eats chip
* Almost chokes to death
“Woah that was scary”
* Eats another chip
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.