My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

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[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars


ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work


We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.


[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.


* Eats chip

* Almost chokes to death

“Woah that was scary”

* Eats another chip


Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns


Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.