My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*