Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
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Fidel Castro was alive?
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*turns on the news*
I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–
tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.