@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just shouted “I didn’t do it!” so now I get to have fun figuring out what exactly she didn’t do

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@eslpaul

America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets

@alisha_foley

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

@DadisGrumpy

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

@68Cly29

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

@Carbosly

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@supermarkusa

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

@KentWGraham

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.