God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.