My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.