@daddydoubts

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

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@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@captainkalvis

[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@fuzzlime

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

@lilgapeach30

Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@DaveWeasel

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

@InternetHippo

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

@pilau

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.