My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I am also baked goods
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep