My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story


Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds


Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure


This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs


Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.


*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!


“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*


i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”


welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables