The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.