I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
When Egypt had no internet, it was called Gypt.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables