My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
the three genders
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion