My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Finally!
Bill is short for Billiam
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH