My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
can you read it!!??
maan!
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.