my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
New favorite tiktok
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.