my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
#JohnTravolta
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.