My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
kids play hide and seek like
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
let’s discuss
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’