My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.