My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.


I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.


Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*


Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.


ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it


If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me


My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.