My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi