@sip_at_home_mom

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

You Might Also Like

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

@leslid79

I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@markleggett

Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.

@SandwichGhoul

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

@dumbbeezie

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.