My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.