NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong