@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

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@ykmaj6

WALMART is giving out FREE school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.

@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@Almighty_Smoot

Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry

@briangaar

The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me

@T_Bonezzz_

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

@TheNYAMProject

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.