My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️