WALMART is giving out FREE school supplies to anyone who can outrun security.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.