@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

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@Inferno_V

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

@Steelers1972

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

@QwertyJones3

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

@Paxochka

I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!

@anotherbecky429

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

@cbdoubleu

Who called it Orion’s Belt instead of a waist of space?